Voice- Welcome again to The Samwise Gamgee Cooking Show! A not so proud supporter of the Miss Middle-Earth Contest! Now, without any more commercialized crap, here’s the host…SAMWISE GAMGEE! Sam- (walks onstage with his cheesy grin and fake happiness. The applause is mingled with voices calling things like “Pippin rules!” and “Samwise Gamgee is a real turd!”) Welcome, everyone, except those losers out there who think they can come to my show and taunt me! (glares at the audience and motions to security) Well, we have a real treat today! We will be making a nice fish dish with help from, (goes under breath) none other for the stupid occasion…. GOLLUM AKA. SMEAGOL!! (scattered applause is heard while Gollum ambles onstage, many bandages covering his skinny, clammy, slimy body. He is muttering under his breath and his eyes are glaring off in the distance) Gollum- Nassssssty hobbits! Push poor smeagol down a hole. Oh, but not kill smeagol, no no no no no…..nassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssty hobbitses!! Sam- (looking very furious, angry, disgusted, and a bit worried at the same time) So, Gollum, how are you today? (voice seems to be surpressing rage) Gollum- Oh, smeagol is just fine, yes yes yes. Just fine after being shoved down into a firey pit of torment! Oh, yes yes yes! But not die…no no no Smeagol never die. Never never never … Sam- (nervous smile) well then, that’s quite interesting... Well, Gollum! We have a nice treat for you today! Gollum- (eyes widen) Treatsie for poor smeagol? Oh, precious precious precious… Sam- Yeah, Gollum? Guess what? You’re precious is down the hole! GONE! Melted away into nothing but a blob of gold that will never be anything useful ever again! HAHAHHAAAAA!!! SUCKER!!! (realizes what he said and straightens up, smiling) Well, Gollum, we have fish for you! A nice fish dish sandwich that everyone will enjoy! Gollum- (very surly) I wouldn’t be too sure about that…. Sam- (glares at Gollum, but refrains from any verbal or physical beatings) It’s very simple to make, and shouldn’t be hard for anyone to withstand. Gollum- Smeagol finding very hard withstand THIS dumb show. Sam- (makes a movement with his foot behind the counter, Gollum yelps and hops up and down cursing) Gollum- Curses stupid hobbit! We hatesssssssssssssss it forever!! Oh, ^#^ the (^(&ing hobbit! Nassssssssssssssssssssssty pile of #&$^ it issssss!! Sam- (snickering) Let’s crack to it, Gollum! (pulls out some pans and holds them out to Gollum) fill these up with water, quickly, Gollum. And if you damage these pans in any way you’ll be fried into mincemeat! Gollum- oh, bites me nasssty hobbit! (reluctantly grabs the pans and turns on the tap) Sam- While Gollum very helpfully gets some water, we will pull out our fish and spices. Remember, we’re going to fry these, so it’ll be a tasty treat! Gollum- (glances at Sam) whyses we fills up pans when we make a fried fish? Sam- (grins very evilly at Gollum) Gollum- (scowls and empties pans) nasssssssssty hobbit! Sam- (looks at watch) well, after these breaks we’ll start on this delicious meal! (break to commercials) Dwarf- (sitting on the couch in a cave, flipping channels. Looks disgusted) mordor curse this awful cable! I have lousy picture and it’s too darn expensive! (hacks the cable in half with his axe) Another stupid Dwarf- Oh, don’t you know about Stone Hall Satellite? Dwarf- What in the name of Balin is that? Another stupid Dwarf- It’s a satellite that is better then you can dream! Dwarf- Don’t be too sure, I have very nice dreams. Another stupid Dwarf- You get over 894 channels with one low monthly fee, only 30 gold coins month! Call today! Dwarf- I don’t have a telephone, sorry. Another stupid Dwarf- Really? Crap! Why the heck are we doing thi- (commercial turns to static) Legolas- Are you embarrassed to go outside because of your pimples? Acne? Blackheads? Or other ugly splotches, blots, or bumps on your face? Well, worry no more! (holds up a pink box) Grease-free Face is for you! Just apply the purple and brown cream daily and ta dah! I don’t have to worry about it, of course, because I was born gifted and I don’t have to worry about crap like this since I’m so damn good looking! (smiles) (commercials end) Sam- welcome back after those pointless commercials! During the break we seasoned the fish and placed it in a pan. I know I told you we’d wait, but Gollum here… (glares at Gollum, who’s sulking in the corner) grew impatient… (camera gives an overhead view of the fish, that has several large bitemarks in it) Gollum- Smeagol cant help self, so very hungry. But won’t eat nassssssssssssssssssssty hobbit food! Oh no, must eat before spoiled by nassssssssssty hobbit herb $h!+! Sam- (ignoring Gollum) well, now what we have to do is fry it! We heated a pan, put oil so the fish won’t stick, and all we have to do is plop the fish on the pan! Hopefully nothing will burn, explode, or get mutilated in anyway… (gives a sigh and slaps some fish on the pan) Gollum- (wincing) nasssty hobbit hurt poor ickle fishies! Fish fine the way is! No fry! Sam- Aw, stuff it, Gollum! I had to deal with your crap all the while in Mordor! And when I thought I was just getting used to your disgustingness, you try and get us eaten by a freaking giant spider! Well, this time I get to talk, not YOU! Gollum- (hissing) nasssty hobbit! Sam- and stop saying “nasssssssssssssty”! can’t you use a different word?! Gollum- (thinking) foul hobbit! Sam- better…(turns back to camera) now, the fish is frying merrily, it’s time to turn it over! You’ll want to fry each side for about 5 minutes or until golden brown. Gollum- nauseating hobbit! Sam- Good, Gollum, shut up. Gollum- tainted hobbit! Sam- (grinding teeth) Gollum… Gollum- malicious hobbit! Sam- (closing eyes in annoyance) we’ll be back right after these messages… (break to commercial) Elf Woman- Are you trying to find a nutritious drink that not only has essential vitamins, but also tastes good? Well, chances are you aren’t. but, if you are, we have the product for you! V8.34268 vegetable juice is crammed with vitamins and nutrients that help you get through the day without passing out or puking, and has the fresh taste of cotton candy and popcorn! V8.34268, get the most out of your mundane day! Hobbit Woman- I have a lot of kids. (scene of eighteen or so hobbit children climbing all over the table and chairs in the kitchen) and the mess really build up. So that’s why I use the Swiffer Sweeper Mop-in-a-box Disinfectant Clorox Wipes Broom! It’s a big help when I’m trying to clean the floor, not only does dirt, hair, and tough grease marks stick to the wipe, it also disinfects 4.5 percent of bacteria! Now, if only they made a robot that would clean for me… (looks wistfully into space and then breaks into tears) (end of commercials) Sam- (rubbing his temples as Gollum shouts at him) Welcome back…if you feel welcome in this hell pit… Gollum- (clutching a thesaurus in his slimy hand) malevolent hobbit! Revolting hobbit! Disgusting hobbit! Vile hobbit! Sam- (trying hard not to strangle Gollum) Well, here we have the final product of our fish. (camera shows nicely cooked fish, not burned or anything, which is rare) For once I FINALLY managed to cook a success! And with no help from Gollum here… Gollum- ghastly hobbit! Dangerous hobbit! Pleasant hobbit! Opps, that the antonym! Sam- (says this very very fast) thanksforjoiningustoday,joinusnexttimeonTheSamwiseGamgeeCookingShow! (rushes to Gollum and tries to strangle him) You stupid, ugly, nasty, filth!! Gollum- (choking) ack! Hobbit say “nasty”! ACK! Voice- thank you for joining us today on the Samwise Gamgee Cooking Show, for more information about Gollum please visit http://www.icklefishes.com/gollum9037593/home.html Next, on Alias Alien, she had a life of mystery and suspense, now what will she do when encountered by her enemy? Then, afterwards, join us for Days of Our Deaths. What would you do when encountered by your ex-boyfriend’s sister’s best friend’s nanny’s mother’s niece? Find out! (Last view we get is of Sam trying to kick Gollum while several security men drag Sam away, Gollum cowers in corner screaming “Precious” as loud as he can. Tape ends)